Nope. We play em for the babes.

So here it is, people, the hottest video game characters. We’ve ranked them from the best to the absolute hottest.

Let’s be real, you can’t have a hot video game character list, and not include Ivy. She’s the poster girl for sexy fighters, and pretty much the reason most of us got into Soul Calibur in the first place.

And it’s easy to see why she’s so beloved. Her outfit, her figure, her “Let me speak to your manager” mum haircut. Total babe.

Ivy is one of the sexiest women in video games, and a must-have for a list like this. Although, she probably wouldn’t make the best girlfriend. Not exactly bring home to the folks material.

That’s right, folks. We’re not just counting the ladies on this list. We’re including ALL types of characters. And let’s be honest here, Kratos is some 100% prime beefcake.

The muscles, the manliness, the face that’s never seen a smile. And they even made him sexier in the PS4 game! I mean, that rugged bushy beard? Come to mama.

He may not be the most hygienic of husbandoes, and to be honest, he probably stinks. But if he were my man, I bet I could change him. I say a big boy like that just needs a woman’s touch, am I right ladies?

Ok, I know all the thirsty fanboys said that this version of Sonya Blade sucked, because they got rid of her boobs, made her face weird, and gave her voice to a professional wrestler. But I think, considering when the game takes place, she’s actually the sexiest here.

I mean, SHE’S MEANT TO BE 51 YEARS OLD IN THIS GAME. She looks AMAZING for her age. I don’t know how she keeps her youth, but she must bathe in skin cream or something.

You all may disagree, but I think this Sonya is the hottest of them all. Plus, I’m very attracted to a woman who can just beat the living hell out of me.

It’s time for a two-for-one situation here, because both of these hunks are on the list! Life is all about balance. You need the ying for the yang. The dark for the light.

The fat yellow blob with sunglasses for the skinny red alien with the weirdest head I’ve ever seen. And that’s exactly why they’re both on the list.

Because they’re both hot as hell, but they need each other to bring out their full potential. Even their names sound sexy. Toejam and Earl. Earl and TOEJAM.

…I’m into some weird stuff.

Oh yeah, now we’re getting into the good stuff.

There are quite a few sexy characters in The Witcher 3, but for my money, none of them can quite compare to your majestic floating horse. I mean, the way she just hovers there is so alluring. It’s as if she’s teasing you, taunting you, begging you to come and get her, but you know you can’t.

Because Geralt can’t jump that high.

Really, it’s the biggest disappointment of the game that there’s no romance option for Roach. I mean seriously, they let you woo every woman under the sun, but NOT the horse!? All I can say is there better be some serious horse loving in Cyberpunk 2077, or I’m starting a riot.

Dude. Bro. Dude. Dude, bro. Don’t even get me started, bro. Bro, don’t even, dude….

Bro.

The companion cube is so hot, dude. I mean, it’s all in the name. COMPANION cube. It’s your companion. It’s always going to be there for you. It will stick by you through thick and thin. No matter what hardships you go through, no matter what obstacles life throws at you, no matter how many times you want to just give up.

The companion cube will always be your shoulder to cry on. Because it cares. And as we all know, there’s nothing hotter than someone who cares.

…also those hearts are so freaking sexy, bro.

Ok, this dude from Jackbox has got it all. Personality, charm, sense of humor, and who knows how to confuse you better than an algebra textbook written entirely in Swahili.

Everybody thinks mysterious people are sexy, and there’s none more mystifying than this man. We have no idea how tall he is, what he wears, hell we don’t even know what the bottom half of his face looks like. He could have no teeth and a Hitler mustache for all we know.

But that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Personally, I love the mystique and intrigue. He’s a mystery to all of us, and that’s just how I like it.

However, if he’s got some crocs on underneath that box, that’s an automatic deal-breaker.

…don’t judge me.

There are some entries on this list that really don’t need much justification as to why they’re on the list. With this one, I REALLY don’t need to say anything, do I?

I mean, It’s Luigi made of goo.

They took one of the sexiest video game characters of all time, and made him even sexier, by creating him out of the most satisfying thing ever. It’s like if I made Scarlett Johanson out of bubble wrap and playdough, only even better.

Speaking of sexy Nintendo characters, look at this UNIT.

We all know that Donkey Kong is the best video game character in the world. This is a fact. Can’t be disputed. Totally correct. Shut up.

But then Nintendo throws us a curveball, and says “Hey, here’s Donkey Kong, with shades and a bandana.” And the entire universe collectively came together and said,

“Cool.”

Funky Kong is basically just a cooler version of Donkey Kong, which I didn’t even think was possible, and yet here we are. He’s the definition of a hunk, and the sexiest member of the entire Kong family, which is some pretty stiff competition.

I mean, have you seen Kranky’s nude calendar? Va-Va-Voom.

They say clothes make the man. Well in this case, clothes make this man one of the hottest hunks out there.

Now, there’s a reason I’m giving this spot to Arthur Morgan’s hat specifically. Yes, the man himself is a total dreamboat, but it’s that hat that puts him over the edge. Sleek, black, and manly as hell, with a rope tied around it for no reason whatsoever.

Hot.

The hat is undeniably the highlight of Arthur’s ensemble, and the entire game, if I’m being honest. In fact, it might just be the only hat in the world that could pull off the “m’lady” tip.

He’s not sexy, and he’s not a video game character, but if it’s ok with you guys I wanna give a quick shoutout to my dad.

Hi, dad.

Out of the hundreds of thousands of pixelated football fans created to fill the stadiums of FIFA 19, I think we can all agree that this one is the sexiest.

The way he cheers, the way he boos, the way he sits on his cute little bum, refusing to give us the peek we all crave. The cheeky minx.

I won’t lie though, this was a difficult choice. We all know how many stunning characters there are in those stadiums. Like Football Fan #2563, #5380, and of course #3920 (if you’re into that sort of thing).

I know this choice may cause a lot of controversy, but I’ve got to stick to my guns on this one. Don’t @ me.

Out of all the chipmunks, Theodore gets it. You may not want to admit it, because you’re scared, and that’s ok, but deep down in your heart you know it’s true.

And what’s crazy is, they made him even more THICC in the Chipwrecked video game. I mean, we all know he’s meant to be the fan service chipmunk, but hot damn, they turned that shit up to 11.

Not that I’m complaining, of course.

His dance moves are twice as sexy as the other brothers, his cheeks are fuller, his fur looks softer, and frankly that ass simply will not quit.

That one guy from Skyrim who had the glitch where two or three versions of him would show up, and one of them would sink halfway into the floor, but they would all still look at you, because they know how sexy they are, and they know the kind of fantasies you have about them, and they’re totally into it, and hot dude.

…sorry, I think we should stop it here.